Essence of Self

            I am a contradiction. I have made choices that contradict previous feelings. I am smart. I have made a conscious effort to discover how smart I am. I am open-minded; I choose to see options. I am argumentative as I am fully aware every story has at least two sides. I am giving of myself to my children. I have chosen not to let them feel unloved as I have felt. I am not selfish. I give myself and my time freely to those in need of it. I am a creative thinker for the world is the canvas I paint on.

            I am a mother, a lover, and a friend. I chose to become a mother; for as an American it’s my right to kill a fetus. I could have chosen to become a nun but I felt the decision to become a lover of man more enticing.  Friends are very selective choices I make, but know if I make the choice to be your friend I’m there forever by your side. I am naïve; even after being lied to I choose to believe those who have lied.

            I am a dreamer; with the right amount of focus and will power there is nothing that can’t be achieved. I am a writer for I choose to play with words. I enjoy painting pictures with my words. I am a creator. I choose to make the moments to sit down with material and create. My creations know no boundaries and usually become gifts from the heart.

            I am a dancer. When the music plays, I choose to close my eyes and let the music take over my body and pull it in the direction of the music. I am alive because I choose to fight and not give up when life explodes in my face. I am single because I have chosen to conquer this situation on my own terms. Woman, daughter, sister are a few parts of me that I did not choose; yet I am fully satisfied to take on these roles. I am ready for what tomorrow brings.

The Birth of Bleu Bloom

      During my high school years I had a typewriter. It was an old black typewriter and it made lots of click clacking noise when used. I used it to make a few assignments up for computer class. I would daydream about typing a novel. I still have the few pages I managed to type during that time. I never quite got what I wanted. I always felt I put an abundance of work into the details and never really created anything. During this time I found I had a knack for writing erotic short stories. I only wrote three or four. I also wrote my first poem.

When I was nineteen I purchased my first computer. I spent some time again trying to type a novel. I typed one erotic short. Mostly I played games on my computer. By the time I was twenty I had fled the state due to a breakup. That summer I kept a journal. When things had a strong impact on my life I learned I could express myself through poetry. This became a bit of a habit. Sometimes it was easier to write about something other times it was impossible. Over the years I have written about fifty poems. The poems cover abuse, drugs, love, hate, death, sex, dreams and fears. I have a strong tendency towards erotic undertones in my poetry. I also have about a baker’s dozen of erotic shorts.

I very much feel that creative writing differs from other types of writing. You can learn so much about a writer with the words they choose when they write creatively. I see creative writing more as an art of self expression than I do writing papers for a class. When writing a research paper there is not room for unbiased emotion, and there is a need for good sources. Creatively, the world can have purple grass and an orange sky without the need to document the location, with a scholarly source.

I do not do well creating outlines, before I write. I am much more of a free writer. Currently I have this open on the left of my monitor and the questions we need to consider open on my right. I bounce back and forth double check myself several times to see if I have covered all my bases when it comes to content. I never quite seem to find all the commas. I do blame this on middle school. I had a rather strict teacher who would make the paper bleed when there were too many commas on it. I tend to avoid commas because I like pretty white paper! I never write anything other than poetry by hand. I find it much easier to organize my thoughts while I rearrange them with the computer.

The biggest influence from authors is the romantic notion that I should use a pseudonym when writing. I got stuck on the idea that I could use my middle name because no one would really know if a boy or a girl was writing. The road to Bleu Bloom was rather lengthy. I used at least three other pseudonyms before reaching the perfect one. Bleu is who I am and Bloom is what I intend for my writing to do. Of course, it is much more complex than that explanation. To this day I will still occasionally feel the need to write a poem or find the inspiration to write an erotic short.